The Silent Parenting Struggle: From Heartbreak to Hope

These past few weeks I have been inspired by many different moms and it’s time I finally open up about a parenting struggle that I have been silent about. As a mom this topic hits me close to home every time I talk about it and I am sure, regardless of how similar or different your own circumstances are, whenever something deals with your own “baby” (be it an infant or your 20 year old); your heart is struck emotionally. Motherly instincts have a funny way of taking over your senses. To protect, comfort, defend or restore; moms are here to make it all better, no matter if the fixing is in our hands or not.

I’ve realized remaining silent in the matter helps no one, but I also know I am someone who copes with things internally before being able to release my emotion. My time to internally reflect is over, so today I am here to break my silence and share a struggle I’ve been dealing with as a mom.

My First True Parenting Struggle

Every child has a different story. Whether they were an easy infant or they gave you a run for your money, there are always trials and tribulations in parenting. My first true parenting trial came around Cooper’s 3-4 month mark. My hubby and I had noticed the back of Cooper’s head was a bit flat. We inquired about it at his 6 month doctor appointment when we noticed there was still no change. Our pediatrician gave us her own personal opinion in the matter while also giving us the medical advice we needed on the topic of plagiocephaly, also known as flat head syndrome. We decided to trust our instincts and meet with Children’s Hospital of the King’s Daughters (CHKD) to see if there was anything major happening or if there was more we could do. Of course at this point in the process, I was a nervous wreck. I felt guilty because I know some children have seen the inside of the CHKD walls more than the walls of their own home by 6 months of age, but it was our first experience and all I could do was try to remain calm. Every possible bad notion was running through my mind. Is it my fault? Could I have prevented this? Is it affecting his brain? Will it get better or worse on its own? What are my options? I can tell you one thing, the internet, though my lifeline for a lot of things, is the LAST place a worried mom should go. It had me up at night for hours or in tears the moment I thought about it. Regardless, I knew I needed to trust in the professionals…

Seeking Further Professional Advice

The doctor at CHKD told us that Cooper’s frontal physical attributes were perfect and then asked, “How many children do you see at the age of 3 or 5 walking around with flat heads?” My immediate thought, was “none”. He smiled happily and said, “You have nothing to worry about, this will fix on its own.” Relieved and so happy I didn’t have to put Cooper through anything major, I left a satisfied mommy, knowing he was still the perfect little man I photographed on a daily basis. Daddy on the other hand still had concerns. Months went by and at this point, he was sitting up all the time during the day, so no real pressure was ever put on his head. However, he exclusively slept on his back; arms spread wide. At his 9 month appointment, the pediatrician inquired about our decision and findings and was satisfied with our decision, though we knew there had not been any change in his head’s development. The difference was, his hair had grown in, so it really wasn’t noticeable unless his head was wet…

It Takes Two: Daddy to the Rescue

Daddy, remaining the skeptic and wanting only the best for Cooper, continued to do his own research on other options. At this point, with his soft spot closing at a much faster speed, a helmet seemed like the only option. That’s right…a helmet. You know the feeling when your heart drops in your stomach and you can’t seem to gather words, well that was my continual state for about a week when deciding if this was our only course of action. We went to the helmet specialist in Norfolk, VA and while Cooper’s measurements were not horrible and this doctor was also happy to see no facial misalignments, the end result was still to go with the helmet.

Feeling Like You Failed as a Mom

I felt like a failure. I felt like I had let Cooper down as a mom. I felt like everyone on the outside was going to judge me and judge him. I didn’t want people to see him differently or treat him differently. I didn’t want him to spend his summer sweating, when he’s already hot natured. I didn’t want to take him to the grocery store or Target in fear of the looks we would get. I couldn’t handle the fact that my little cuddle bug would no longer be able to cuddle with me out of discomfort or irritability. I cried knowing I wouldn’t be able to rock him to sleep, cheek to cheek at night, because this device would prevent us from touching. I tear up even now thinking about it…

Helmet Therapy and Reservations

Let me give you a bit more background on the helmet before finishing our story. Helmet therapy is a cosmetic process and device, not a medical device. Doctors have not pinpointed it as the only option; however they do see it as an option. Most insurance companies do not cover it (though thankfully ours did!). And studies have shown that by the age of 5 the child who wore the helmet vs the child who didn’t, with the same beginning measurements, ended up with the same results. So of course you can see my hesitation from the get go. However, my husband always puts me at ease by putting things in perspective. He broke out a scenario…Cooper’s 8 years old and he’s at a pool party and his friends are joking him because of his head being flat in the back. He of course doesn’t show signs to his friends that they’ve hurt his feelings, because that’s just how his head is. But later comes home and asks mommy and daddy “Why is my head flat?” As parents, as protectors and providers, it is our responsibility to give our kiddos the best options, the best case scenarios, the most that we can give to help them succeed. Sure, he’d succeed whether he had a flat head or not. But don’t kids these days already have enough pressures and problems to face than something that we could have potentially prevented? My answer, YES.

Making Our Decision

So, we got the helmet. 21 hours a day he wore it. YES 21!!!!! He had it off first thing in the morning for a little break, after nap, and again for evening bath time. You know I was snuggling and kissing and holding my baby every minute of those 3 hours that I possibly could. His diagnosis was only to wear the helmet for 4-6 months, considering he got the helmet on later than they would have initially hoped (main skull structure development happens between 4-9 months), his soft spot would close around 18-24 months and at that point, it would not be useful. So we did our parental duties and I learned to get over what people thought. I learned quickly that it didn’t affect him nearly as much as it affected me. That his personality didn’t change because of it. And the other little kids treated him just the same, if not even more gently, than they did before. One of the best things about getting the helmet, similar to getting colored braces or casts, we were able to get our helmet wrapped like a car vehicle. It made it look less medical and more like an accessory. It made him smile when he saw it and that helped mommy and daddy a lot!

Every Step Counts: Protecting Your Child and Growing as a Parent

In addition to the 21 hours a week, we started taking Cooper to a chiropractic specialist in Portsmouth who we had been referred to us by a friend of a friend who had dealt with a similar situation with her own child. The chiropractor specializes in the sutures and development of the skull…she has helped significantly too. So 21 hours a day, plus three trips a week to Portsmouth…let’s just say at the six week rescan, momma was a happy camper knowing there had been progress! Not only visibly, but physically, we are making moves in the right direction.

We still have 2 more weeks until his next rescan and he is only wearing the helmet at night now. But I am happy to say…I fear none of those previous concerns anymore. I am not concerned about what others think if they see him in it. I am proud of our decision and my ability to overcome what seemed at the time to be impossible. And my little cuddle bug, is still mommy’s sweet boy. All the while, his head is getting better! I will be more weary with baby #2 and I will take the “Back to Sleep Movement” for SIDS with a grain of salt and if she hates tummy time, I’m going to listen to the cries a bit longer before giving in and turning her over.

My Hope for Every Mother

My hope for sharing this is that we give other moms a break. That we don’t judge before knowing the circumstances. That we lend an ear when they need to talk and a shoulder when they need to cry. That we offer our advice and support when we can and remember that this parenting thing doesn’t come easy and it surely takes a village. I hope in some way I was able to ease your worries about something, anything you may be dealing with as a mom. And know, at the end of the day, what matters most is that we are doing the best we can!

How have you handled tough situations or concerns with your child? What tips do you have to support other moms going through a tough time?

 

 

The Art of Distraction

I’ve grown up around kids my entire life due to my mom having an in-home daycare. Imagine 12 little ones ranging from infant to five years of age in your home from the time you wake up to the time you come home from school and eat dinner. I was always drawn to them. Of course the different ages all have fun, unique qualities that attracted me to them; be it sweet cuddly babies, to rambunctious waddlers, to talkative toddlers, and know-it-all preschool aged kiddos. Regardless, I always thought I was born into the perfect scenario to be super-mom later in life. From tricks to help soothe the little one, to methods for teaching letters and colors, and songs and games of every sort to keep them entertained…I know you can feel a ‘but’ coming on…

BUT, the world of parenthood is drastically different than “babysitting” for the brief hour or two I would sit and play. My mom is by far way more than a “babysitter” and it isn’t until you become a parent or the parents have been a part of her daycare for a while that they realize what that means. She’s a true baby whisperer and it is due to her that hundreds of kiddos have entered kindergarten knowing how to soothe themselves, take two hour naps, eat all their veggies, write their name, sing their alphabet, write their letters, and consistently maintain their manners. Though I am only in the early stages of this parenting thing, I have surely learned one technique on my own. This one technique in which my mom knew all along, but never thought of it as a technique at all…just common sense: The Art of Distraction.

So let me lay it out for you. This mechanism doesn’t really come into effect until after about three months. Prior to this time frame it is all about soothing and comforting the baby when they are looking for their fundamental needs (aka clean diaper, to be fed, to be cuddled, or to sleep). Once three months hits and they are more alert and aware, ready to play and explore the world, it is all about distraction. There are many ways to divert their attention to get the desired end result of happiness. Case in Point: baby cried = new toy, new laying position, new sound, new bottle, new song, new food/milk, new diaper, new activity, new environment. Whatever it is, if you can manage to help them forget their woe by giving them something new, they become satisfied. As time progresses and our little ones are able to develop a bit of a longer attention span, though we know this span still isn’t what we’d hope, these distractions may become a bit larger than a toy or a song, however, the key concept is still the same.

As parents, we go through every day with the hope and effort of giving our kids true and abundant happiness. The less tears, the easier the day, the “happier” the baby. Now, a key element to all of this, is bonding. Don’t get me wrong, there are moments when I HAVE to clean or I HAVE to bathe myself, where he has to occupy his time, and a new toy or new show is exactly what will give me that 5-10 minutes of freedom, but don’t let me fool you that my go to art of distraction tool is always a hug, kiss and cuddle. Of course, I know the importance of self-soothing too, but I’m not referring to him taking a little tumble and crying, I’m talking about the times when they become irritable, uninterested and needy. But really at the end of the day, my goal is to put a satisfied and loved baby to sleep, knowing he gets to wake up the next day, and I get to start all over making him happy.

I am not, and by no means will I ever achieve “super-mom” status. I’m not even really sure what that is. But I want to applaud each and every mom for their day-to-day routine. It’s tiring as much as it is rewarding, but know you have at least accomplished two things: the ability to make your baby happy and the art of distraction. And to me, with that, you have succeeded.

A few of Cooper’s favorite distractions include:

• Playing in Mommy and Daddy’s cars.
• Apples and watermelon keep him occupied for a good 30 minutes.
• Anything having to do with water!
• He loves playing with his Babiator sunglasses from the store! They have a year warranty if they break, so to me, he can play with them all he wants!
• The Pellos we have in the store are great from infancy up to five and six years old. Shoot my eight year old niece loves laying in it and watching a movie! 

What is your go to distraction tool when your little one isn’t satisfied? New exciting tips always welcome!

Baby Round 2 – Forget it!

Baby Round 2. Monitor sounds. Dogs jump off the bed. I hurry to brush my teeth and pee so my bladder doesn’t explode while I’m changing his diaper, making his breakfast and entertaining this mobile 13-month-old, all while I clean up the kitchen and get ready for work. Showers happen in a flash. My hair hasn’t seen a blow dryer in what seems like eons. And if I actually get the chance to put on make-up I don’t look half bad for rolling out of bed still exhausted from getting up 10 times the night before to pee. Oh ya, did I mention I’m pregnant with round 2?

Pack his car snack. Get toys ready and accessible for possible fits. Drive to Grandma’s (Lita or Grammy depending on the day!), drop him off and catch them up on yesterday’s developments. Kisses, then hurry off to work to open the store in time for our usual prompt 10am shoppers. Impressively managing to hold my bladder long enough to actually relax and pee in a bathroom without puppies licking my toes and trying to prevent little man from putting his hands in the toilet before I can flush! Whew…childless for what seems like a blink of an eye. (Well, sort of, considering the one in utero.)

The second pregnancy has been wildly different than the first. Let’s compare:

1st Pregnancy	2nd Pregnancy
Selfies and Weekly Milestone Pictures	Weekly Milestone Pictures every 3rd week or when I remember
Working out 5x a week	Working out by chasing and entertaining Cooper
Strictly watching everything I eat and drink	Eating what’s available and what I crave
Rubbing belly butter and oils 2x daily	Belly Butter – If I have energy or remember at night
At least 1 – 2-hour nap everyday	2 – 30 minute naps a week – If I’m lucky
Wearing maternity clothes around week 24	Wearing maternity clothes the moment I found out I was pregnant!
Reading baby prep books every night before bed	What is reading?
Write in babies journal 4x a week	Have to back-date my entries a couple weeks when I actually remember to input!

Poor, poor baby #2. I hope she doesn’t feel neglected! I hope she doesn’t come out 10 pounds heavier or that my stretch marks don’t grow up to my eyeballs from the lack of resistance to cravings, belly butter, naps, etc. At the end of the day, it has nothing to do with how much love I have for this baby. Lord knows every kick gives me goose bumps and a smile on my face, but on the same token thank heavens she kicks at all so I remember she exists in the midst of my hectic daytime schedule!

 

I’m sure when she’s old enough to care and she looks back on Cooper’s baby journal vs. hers she’ll have questions. Unfortunately and fortunately the only answer I’ll have is “wait until it’s your turn, honey, it will all make sense.” Until that moment happens, I’ll make up for it all with frequent mommy-daughter dates and constant kisses for as long as she lets me!

 (Projects like painting her toy chest help to keep me grounded in her pregnancy too! Shameless Plug: If painting isn’t you’re thing but you want a special gift for your little one, we’d love to custom design your toy chest!) 

While it may seem that this pregnancy is a lot less glorious than the first, I can’t say that from every perspective. Obviously, being in the store, all of the little girl bows, ruffles and clothes are screaming at me a little louder than the boy wardrobe ever did. And sharing this experience a second time with mommies who come in to talk to me about their growing families, I can now relate to a whole new bracket of moms, while also relishing in all things Cooper. I have both anxiety and excitement about meeting this little one that is quite different than baby #1. This time I know what to expect…and I can’t wait to experience all her firsts and milestones like we did with Coop.

(Love these Cheeky Charlie Local Hand-made headbands, we also sell them in the store and you can have them custom designed too!)

 It’s amazing the transformation your life can take in a short years time frame, namely the one after you have your first child! The things you value have drastically changed and the time you took for granted in the past (such as a shower or going to the bathroom) are now luxuries. I’m anticipating what it will be like with an infant AND a 17 month old toddler…probably even less frequent showers…

But it will all be worth it when I get snuggles at the end of my frantic day from BOTH of my little miracles. Have you had two or more children or are you pregnant with baby #2 (or 3 or 4)? What differences have you experienced? What tips do you have for other moms? Share your thoughts in the comment thread!