Work, Baby and Balance: How We Can Have it All

I think girls always visualize what their life will be like once they have kids. [And I say “girls” not as a way to belittle women, but that I believe most of these daydreams come when you are young, prior to really knowing what having these fictitious children would actually be like; similar to journaling about your “dream guy”.] You have names picked out that you like, how many girls, how many boys you want, what their age differences will be. You imagine how you will raise them and what their little personalities may be like. Some of this even happens before you have found that perfect mate to raise those children with. I even think girls know, based on their own personal experiences with their mothers or perhaps their passion for their individual careers, on whether or not they will be a working mom or a stay at home mom. I always hoped I’d be able to stay at home with my children…but usually reality comes into play. Those names I had picked out weren’t even on my list of top 10. The number of kids I want vs. wanted has changed. And I don’t really care the order. I still imagine how I will raise them, but with each new parenting challenge comes a new method to simply do the best you can, opposed to some step-by-step book you may have read.

As I watch my Facebook feed swarm with teachers heading back to school, it makes you realize how many of those women are choosing to work vs. having to work vs. wanting to work. When I was expecting Cooper, I had this vision of how my day-to-day life would run in conjunction with being a “working mom” and running a business I was passionate about. I thought he would come to work with me as an infant, have a crib in the back office, wear him around while I helped customers and did my daily tasks. I also told my partner (mom) and employees that I would be back from maternity leave between 4-6 weeks. Well, my mom, being right as usual, and knowing from past experience, knew that wouldn’t be the case on many of those fronts. Cooper arrived and with that came sleepless nights, exhaustion, continuous feeding schedules and full attention. My four weeks turned to eight and then turned to 12 and I knew, simply from our daily routine at home, that bringing him to work would be next to impossible. I know my situation is a little different from most…at least I had the option of bringing him to work. But the reality, once again, is the same as any working mom. We’d get nothing accomplished in between feeding, changing, entertaining, shushing, feeding some more, etc.

Around 11 weeks when it was time to face the fact that I wouldn’t be his everything day in and out, I started getting anxious, as I imagine most of you have experienced. Is it even possible for someone to take care of him like I do when he’s still so small? My mom and mother-in-law of all people were going to have him, but I still was a nervous wreck. And the punch line, in which most of you working moms may hate me for, is it was only for five hours! Regardless, it seemed like eons before those hours passed that first week, but I remember seeing him after work each day and knowing it would get a little easier and our relationship would be better in the long run because of it. Now, I still hate leaving him some days, but the smile on his face and the refreshing attitude I have towards being a mommy after just a few hours away from him, are totally worth it. My sense of identity is regained when I am at the store, even though a majority of my conversations are about Cooper, I still get to feel like me. Now don’t get me wrong, days where it’s just me and him all day, I feel more like “me” than I can even express, because my self-definition now encompasses being a mother and I wouldn’t have it any other way. However, this concept of “self-definition” is something I have struggled with since becoming a mom.

I wouldn’t say you lose your sense of self, but I do think with your loss of independence you redirect your self-reflection and what time you used to spend on internal growth, is now directed towards your little one. They have your full attention, your full energy, brainpower and heart, so when at the end of the day, the need for a little “me” time is completely understandable. I know many stay-at-home moms and I’m sure you’ve seen your fair share of quotes and videos on them too, but I truly respect the fact that their jobs are more difficult than ours. Their “me” time fizzles down to a shower (if they’re lucky), while us working moms get to have a 15 minute drive to work, our hours there (regardless of how busy or how much brain capacity it may take), and our regroup transformation back into our superman outfits for mommy hood the remaining of the evening. My sense of self is more apparent now than it ever was, because I have to make time for me. Where before kids, my time was always mine.

In the midst of the past few paragraphs you quickly notice a lot of “me’s”, “I’s” and “Cooper’s”, but there is one key element to this life that is missing…”Gary”. Our neighbor kept telling us when I was pregnant the first time to always put each other before our children. It sounded ludicrous because your children rely on you solely, while we are adults and can manage, but my perspective on the matter has fully changed. Between being a working mom, a superhero mom, and ME, the concept of US sounds impossible, and if I’m being totally honest; exhausting. At the end of the day, despite us just spending the last two hours together over dinner, bath time, play time, bed time, we finally meet at the sinks brushing our teeth. It’s like “Hey, how are you?”. I want to put him first, I need to put him first, and we’ve made efforts to do weekly date nights, which have truly been a saving grace. But as much as I hail to the stay-at-home mother’s, I hail too to the working father. He’s gone before the sunrises and comes back after the sun has set. He’s exhausted and I can only imagine that his “sense of self” is drained. But here I am, occasionally wanting to pass Coop off, because I’ve been with him the past few hours, forgetting to take into consideration he needs “me” time too. Despite his exhaustion there is one thing that will always reignite his fuel. I see him light up and Cooper light up at the sight of each other and my “me” time has been satisfied. THEY are ME. I AM THEM. My sense of self is wrapped up in these two beings. (Soon to be three!) And while I enjoy my job thoroughly and I always appreciate a good pedicure by myself or a long shower at the end of the day, I’d much rather be watching them together than alone.

So my words of comfort are: 

To the working mom – Keep it up. And remember your little one can’t wait for you to get home to play. They appreciate you and see your dedication, but don’t forget your Superman suit on the drive home, because they DO need your attention.

To the stay at home mom (or dad) – Your job is harder than all of us. Find time for your “sense of self” so that you always have the energy to give all of yourself.

To the working dad – We love you and appreciate you, even if we sometimes forget to tell you. Thank you for supporting us.

To the married couple raising your children fearlessly – Love each other just as fearlessly and take time out for “US” time.