These past few weeks I have been inspired by many different moms and it’s time I finally open up about a parenting struggle that I have been silent about. As a mom this topic hits me close to home every time I talk about it and I am sure, regardless of how similar or different your own circumstances are, whenever something deals with your own “baby” (be it an infant or your 20 year old); your heart is struck emotionally. Motherly instincts have a funny way of taking over your senses. To protect, comfort, defend or restore; moms are here to make it all better, no matter if the fixing is in our hands or not.
I’ve realized remaining silent in the matter helps no one, but I also know I am someone who copes with things internally before being able to release my emotion. My time to internally reflect is over, so today I am here to break my silence and share a struggle I’ve been dealing with as a mom.
My First True Parenting Struggle
Every child has a different story. Whether they were an easy infant or they gave you a run for your money, there are always trials and tribulations in parenting. My first true parenting trial came around Cooper’s 3-4 month mark. My hubby and I had noticed the back of Cooper’s head was a bit flat. We inquired about it at his 6 month doctor appointment when we noticed there was still no change. Our pediatrician gave us her own personal opinion in the matter while also giving us the medical advice we needed on the topic of plagiocephaly, also known as flat head syndrome. We decided to trust our instincts and meet with Children’s Hospital of the King’s Daughters (CHKD) to see if there was anything major happening or if there was more we could do. Of course at this point in the process, I was a nervous wreck. I felt guilty because I know some children have seen the inside of the CHKD walls more than the walls of their own home by 6 months of age, but it was our first experience and all I could do was try to remain calm. Every possible bad notion was running through my mind. Is it my fault? Could I have prevented this? Is it affecting his brain? Will it get better or worse on its own? What are my options? I can tell you one thing, the internet, though my lifeline for a lot of things, is the LAST place a worried mom should go. It had me up at night for hours or in tears the moment I thought about it. Regardless, I knew I needed to trust in the professionals…
Seeking Further Professional Advice
The doctor at CHKD told us that Cooper’s frontal physical attributes were perfect and then asked, “How many children do you see at the age of 3 or 5 walking around with flat heads?” My immediate thought, was “none”. He smiled happily and said, “You have nothing to worry about, this will fix on its own.” Relieved and so happy I didn’t have to put Cooper through anything major, I left a satisfied mommy, knowing he was still the perfect little man I photographed on a daily basis. Daddy on the other hand still had concerns. Months went by and at this point, he was sitting up all the time during the day, so no real pressure was ever put on his head. However, he exclusively slept on his back; arms spread wide. At his 9 month appointment, the pediatrician inquired about our decision and findings and was satisfied with our decision, though we knew there had not been any change in his head’s development. The difference was, his hair had grown in, so it really wasn’t noticeable unless his head was wet…
It Takes Two: Daddy to the Rescue
Daddy, remaining the skeptic and wanting only the best for Cooper, continued to do his own research on other options. At this point, with his soft spot closing at a much faster speed, a helmet seemed like the only option. That’s right…a helmet. You know the feeling when your heart drops in your stomach and you can’t seem to gather words, well that was my continual state for about a week when deciding if this was our only course of action. We went to the helmet specialist in Norfolk, VA and while Cooper’s measurements were not horrible and this doctor was also happy to see no facial misalignments, the end result was still to go with the helmet.
Feeling Like You Failed as a Mom
I felt like a failure. I felt like I had let Cooper down as a mom. I felt like everyone on the outside was going to judge me and judge him. I didn’t want people to see him differently or treat him differently. I didn’t want him to spend his summer sweating, when he’s already hot natured. I didn’t want to take him to the grocery store or Target in fear of the looks we would get. I couldn’t handle the fact that my little cuddle bug would no longer be able to cuddle with me out of discomfort or irritability. I cried knowing I wouldn’t be able to rock him to sleep, cheek to cheek at night, because this device would prevent us from touching. I tear up even now thinking about it…
Helmet Therapy and Reservations
Let me give you a bit more background on the helmet before finishing our story. Helmet therapy is a cosmetic process and device, not a medical device. Doctors have not pinpointed it as the only option; however they do see it as an option. Most insurance companies do not cover it (though thankfully ours did!). And studies have shown that by the age of 5 the child who wore the helmet vs the child who didn’t, with the same beginning measurements, ended up with the same results. So of course you can see my hesitation from the get go. However, my husband always puts me at ease by putting things in perspective. He broke out a scenario…Cooper’s 8 years old and he’s at a pool party and his friends are joking him because of his head being flat in the back. He of course doesn’t show signs to his friends that they’ve hurt his feelings, because that’s just how his head is. But later comes home and asks mommy and daddy “Why is my head flat?” As parents, as protectors and providers, it is our responsibility to give our kiddos the best options, the best case scenarios, the most that we can give to help them succeed. Sure, he’d succeed whether he had a flat head or not. But don’t kids these days already have enough pressures and problems to face than something that we could have potentially prevented? My answer, YES.
Making Our Decision
So, we got the helmet. 21 hours a day he wore it. YES 21!!!!! He had it off first thing in the morning for a little break, after nap, and again for evening bath time. You know I was snuggling and kissing and holding my baby every minute of those 3 hours that I possibly could. His diagnosis was only to wear the helmet for 4-6 months, considering he got the helmet on later than they would have initially hoped (main skull structure development happens between 4-9 months), his soft spot would close around 18-24 months and at that point, it would not be useful. So we did our parental duties and I learned to get over what people thought. I learned quickly that it didn’t affect him nearly as much as it affected me. That his personality didn’t change because of it. And the other little kids treated him just the same, if not even more gently, than they did before. One of the best things about getting the helmet, similar to getting colored braces or casts, we were able to get our helmet wrapped like a car vehicle. It made it look less medical and more like an accessory. It made him smile when he saw it and that helped mommy and daddy a lot!
Every Step Counts: Protecting Your Child and Growing as a Parent
In addition to the 21 hours a week, we started taking Cooper to a chiropractic specialist in Portsmouth who we had been referred to us by a friend of a friend who had dealt with a similar situation with her own child. The chiropractor specializes in the sutures and development of the skull…she has helped significantly too. So 21 hours a day, plus three trips a week to Portsmouth…let’s just say at the six week rescan, momma was a happy camper knowing there had been progress! Not only visibly, but physically, we are making moves in the right direction.
We still have 2 more weeks until his next rescan and he is only wearing the helmet at night now. But I am happy to say…I fear none of those previous concerns anymore. I am not concerned about what others think if they see him in it. I am proud of our decision and my ability to overcome what seemed at the time to be impossible. And my little cuddle bug, is still mommy’s sweet boy. All the while, his head is getting better! I will be more weary with baby #2 and I will take the “Back to Sleep Movement” for SIDS with a grain of salt and if she hates tummy time, I’m going to listen to the cries a bit longer before giving in and turning her over.
My Hope for Every Mother
My hope for sharing this is that we give other moms a break. That we don’t judge before knowing the circumstances. That we lend an ear when they need to talk and a shoulder when they need to cry. That we offer our advice and support when we can and remember that this parenting thing doesn’t come easy and it surely takes a village. I hope in some way I was able to ease your worries about something, anything you may be dealing with as a mom. And know, at the end of the day, what matters most is that we are doing the best we can!
How have you handled tough situations or concerns with your child? What tips do you have to support other moms going through a tough time?
My Lil Deuce "Coop" 