An Evolving Relationship from In-Laws to Grandparents and So Much More

Relationships change with each season of life. As you evolve into this person you know as yourself, your friends inevitably evolve as well. And though as you grow older you have fewer friends in numbers, those few friends become more like family.

Becoming a parent was surely one of those seasons of my life. You go from seeing people out at bars and events on a weekly basis to maybe monthly, if you’re lucky. You go from knowing what’s going on in their lives from constant conversations, to only knowing what’s going on via Facebook. I think especially for those moms and dads who have children before most of their other friends (like Gary and I) it is hard for you to relate sometimes. And while we try desperately to carry conversation that doesn’t have to deal with our kiddos when we hang out with those friends, their names always sneak in. Shoot, we live and breathe those little beings 24 hours a day/7 days a week…how are we not supposed to talk about them? Anyway, that’s a whole other conversation.

I want to talk about one relationship in particular that I think is often overshadowed – your in-laws. I know every situation is a little different, but I find when talking to friends, there are also quite a few similarities from a girls’ perspective on her husband’s parents. When you are just dating, they start out being these people you see on an occasional basis, holidays if possible, birthdays, etc. You might just be “another girl” that he’s brought home to the family. How are they supposed to know the depth of your relationship based on a few dinners together anyway? As you get closer to this man you envision as your husband, your relationship with his parents may change even more, hopefully grow a little. And then engagement comes along so you see them a bit more frequently, talking about the wedding and what’s ahead. And then you marry their son and I can only imagine now (as a mother of a son), that that particular day, though joyous, is also quite sad. You are officially “losing” your baby, the one who loved you first for so many years, to this girl who you think couldn’t possibly love him as much as you do.

Now your husband comes to you first for things instead of his parents, your opinion is considered first, usually even your events are considered priority with family, etc. I know there were times where I felt bad that we didn’t spend more time with them, but my own parents were such hosts that we always had a reason to go their house for a get-together, party, etc. I mean Gary became part of the family almost instantly, especially since I lived at home when we first started dating, so he saw my parents all the time, and then we moved into their neighborhood so it was just convenient to go hang by their pool, etc. And then all of a sudden, BAM…you’re pregnant. While you still may not see them very much during your first pregnancy, you can feel your relationship shifting and I think because it shifts focus from you and him to this little being. You are no longer just their sons’ wife; you are their daughter-in-law, the mother to their grandchild. I was especially lucky because I was the mother to their FIRST grandchild.

As time passed and we awaited his arrival, I will admit, I was nervous. Obviously, I wanted Cooper to have a close relationship with his grandparents. (I never really had that opportunity when I was growing up, because I wasn’t close in proximity to them.) But entrust your little human to people who, though they were family, were still not people you saw on a daily basis- I knew it would be hard for me. I mean my mom runs a daycare and preschool and even leaving him there was hard, so you can only imagine my emotion. Anyway, all of those feelings went to the wayside the moment Cooper was born! I had never seen so much love exuded from my entire family, especially my in-laws. They were in awe at his every feature and every move. My father-in-law held him like he was a piece of rare glass. My mother-in-law was staring into her first  grandchild’s eyes as if they were Gary’s himself. It was breath-taking and I felt lucky instantly. I also went from having a sort of guard up to having no guard at all. I was breastfeeding Cooper the first time they met him and I didn’t care a bit about modesty. (I was considerate of course, but you know what I mean.)

Your relationship moves past the occasional dinner to weekly hang-outs and daily chats…and the best part is, we’ve found each other in the midst of the relationship that was geared around Cooper. I’ve learned about their passions and their talents, their parenting techniques and their beliefs. They aren’t just my in-laws anymore; they are MY parents, they are my baby’s grandparents. They carry a special place in my heart, knowing that he adores them the way he does and that they would bring him the moon if he asked for it.

Now as I’m pregnant for the second time and we will be welcoming another grandchild to the mix, I have even more joy knowing God is blessing us with a little girl. This will be my mother-in-law’s first girl, since she had only boys. Can you imagine her excitement?!

I hope your experience with your in-laws and your kiddos is just the same. And if it’s not, I at least hope that they get to be a positive force in your kid’s lives, because there is truly no love like a grandparent’s love…and every child deserves to know that kind of love!

Do you appreciate your in-laws more after giving birth and see in them in a different light when they’re around their grandchildren?

 

My First Delivery

Anticipating your first delivery is very overwhelming. Nerves and emotions of all kinds flood you daily; especially with the stories that linger of other people’s births. Will I be in public when my water breaks? Will I be able to handle the pain? Will I be induced or have to have an unplanned C-section? Will I deliver early or will he (or she) be late? How bad will it hurt? Will everything be ok with the health of the baby?

As the days pass in my second pregnancy and I anticipate how this next delivery will go, all of those worries truly don’t exist. Maybe the “Will I be early or late”, but beyond that I just put myself back into the surreal, beautiful experience of my first delivery and anxiously await all of those little moments again.

Now don’t get me wrong, my labor was not all cupcakes and rainbows…I checked in a day too early. I swear I could feel the contractions, about every 15 minutes, however the doctors laughed at me when they saw how put together I was. They said, “Sweetheart, you will not be texting when you’re in labor. How about you head home and wait it out a bit.”  Shucks, I was bummed, but at least they didn’t admit me and I had to be there for God knows how long.

Anyway, the next afternoon the contractions were timed out about every five or six minutes, as they originally asked, and I went from smiling and texting my family, to deep breaths, clinched eyes and puking. That’s right…puking. EVERY CONTRACTION. My very clean and prepped house (mainly kitchen sink), went from a sanitized “nesting” zone to a war zone very quickly. I could hardly sit in the car on the ride there, it hurt too bad. I think I may have yelled at the red lights a couple of times, and maybe even at my hubby. I scared women and children in the hallways on the way in to the OBGYN’s office (connected to the hospital, don’t worry). They wheeled me over to the hospital; still throwing up every contraction, even though Gary kept telling me I wasn’t going to (his sales tactics weren’t working so well in this scenario). What I like to call the climax of the story was my puking all over the reception desk when being checked in. (I was out of bags!) Mind you, all of this was happening and I was only 3cm dilated!

Anyhow, I got put in one of those holding rooms, since all the beds were taken and my previous thoughts of having a natural birth had completely flown out the window; I was ready for the epidural. Now I could have gotten it then, but they told me my room would be ready in about 15 minutes and it would be best for transporting me from one bed to another if I wait. So 15 minutes, that’s about three contractions…why not? Well 15 minutes, turned into 30, turned into one hour. In that hour I had probably thrown up 100 times. My water had broken naturally. And I may have screamed a few times…now scaring the nurses in the reception area (at least this time they were clear of the vomit). And to top it all off I had progressed from 3cm to 8cm; still with no epidural.

Finally, the time had come that I had my own room. I think they may have kicked someone out in fear that this baby was coming out much faster than they anticipated. So, I’m on the borderline of getting or not getting the epidural based on dilation and timing, but I still wanted it; now more than ever! Thoughts about the needle are the last thing running through your mind, I didn’t feel a thing. They actually gave me a block first and then an epidural because they weren’t sure if the epidural would kick in with enough time prior to the baby coming out. Needless to say, I was in comatose heaven. My vomit war zone was now clear. I immediately asked to brush my teeth and I got a Popsicle. Whew. Gary could take a deep breath, and my family could start coming in to say hi. About an hour and a half later (yes, the epidural slowed things down tremendously), it was time to push! My mom and Gary were both in the delivery room with me. The nurses told me to not push at all because they baby was about to pop out, but the doctor wasn’t there yet. I told them there wasn’t much waiting…soon enough, doc was in position and two pushes later, he was here!

Ok, did I just scare you? Wait wait…keep reading…

So, back to the beginning, where I said I’m not concerned about any of that pain, vomit, or anything anymore. Throughout all of that craziness there were these moments that seem like snapshots in my mind that are and will always be frozen in my heart.

Gary was the most calm I had ever seen him. He held my hand the whole time. His eyes interlocked on mine when the pain would set in, helping me breathe through every contraction. His words were so comforting and he never missed a beat.  He was like the delivery guru, even though we never took one parenting or Lamaze class. I’ve never felt that connected to him. My mom was in the delivery room, but I honestly just remember Gary’s every move, while my mom captured it all on video and camera.

The next highlight was prior to pushing when they told me “He has a full head of hair!”. My whole pregnancy they told me he was bald, even the nurse who had checked me throughout the day said the same thing. So I was shocked and SO excited. I had them put my phone on backwards view so I could see! It was amazing…I watched the whole thing. It’s not what you imagine at all. All the analogies of a watermelon coming out of you and how your husband will never look at your “world” the same; well, that’s bogus. Shocking, yes. But, so incredible how God created women to do something so beautiful.

The next highlight of course was pulling him out and having him lay right on my chest. Seeing him for the first time was like starring into the sun. I was blinded literally by the radiating beauty, by the love. Your heart feels like it’s going to explode. You have so many words and no words at all. But my mom captured our first words on video and I am so thankful to have that moment always.

The final highlight of the delivery was watching Gary turn from a husband to a father. They say women become mothers the moment they conceive, while men don’t become fathers until they hold their child for the first time. I 100% agree with that quote. They try to act like they know what is going on while you’re pregnant. Touching your belly from the outside while they kick or talking, singing or reading to them in utero. But the true father is not born until the emotion rushes over them as they first hold their son or daughter. I watched him hold Cooper’s hand while they measured him and took his footprints. I’ve never seen my husband cry and though I still didn’t see an actual tear, there was this expression of raw admiration that I will never forget.

So delivery is over and here you are with this angel to call your own. No experience to date has ever topped those emotions and so here I am, a few weeks away from getting to experience it all again and I truly can’t wait.

I hope you get to have those same tiny moments that become huge impacts.

What advice do you have for new moms on what to expect for their first delivery? 

Top 10 Must Haves for Your Baby Registry

I remember the first time I registered for baby items at the large name retailers like Babies “R” Us and Target. Let’s just say, thank God for my mom who has been in the industry of babies for 28 years, otherwise I would have been like a lost puppy. Endless aisles of baby gear, from bottle brands to diaper brands and gadgets you’ve never heard of…how would a first time mom in a typical setting even begin to know what to do or where to start? Sure, we can always turn to Google, but I think typically moms just go scan-happy and register for everything in order to get a little bit of it all. Honestly, half of it you’ll never use more than once and at the end of the day it’s up to baby if they like a certain pacifier or brand of bottle.

Second time around, everything is a no brainer. You know what works and what doesn’t, what you actually use and what is useless. And, you also know it’s not always about the “name brand”, but more about the RIGHT brand. So I thought for all my first-time mommy friends I’d give you a leg up on your registry by sharing some inside scoop on need vs. want and some unique gifts you can find at smaller boutique stores that end up being life-savers for mommy (and daddy).

Also, I want to drive home the importance of the essentials that are made for mommy. As a mom, innately we only think of our little one, but there are plenty of needs that help you comfort-wise too. Why not register for those essential items instead of the cutesy, one-time use only gadgets you may think look cool?

So, in fear of overwhelming you, but wanting to provide a decent list to get you started, here are my top 10 mommy must-haves for your registry (many of which you probably never even thought to add):

*If it’s in BLUE – that means Modern Maternity carries them in store for cheaper than competitors AND no shipping!

1. Baby Carrier: No better way to be than hands-free when you have a little one. Of course, at first you just want to snuggle them 24/7, but eventually the dishes and laundry will call your name, and it’s nice to have a carrier that you are comfortable with that provides good support for both of you. My favorites are the Moby Wrap, The Ergo, and the traditional Ring Sling.

Bonus Note: We carry hand-made ring-slings with customizable fabric pockets and extra fabric that doubles as a nursing cover.

2. Pello: Forget about the Boppy, this product gets use for YEARS, instead of just a few months. The Pello, designed by a stay-at-home mom in Ohio, launched 2 years ago and has been growing in popularity because of its usability. Great for keeping baby on a sanitary, comfortable surface (especially when traveling or going to a friend’s house). It also doubles as a “boppy-like” pillow for tummy time, but these have useful link attachments so the toys don’t roll away from baby. The whole thing can be thrown in the wash, instead of having to fight with a cover. It’s Coopers favorite calm TV time place and my 7 year-old niece loves to lounge in it for movie time too, so that goes to show you it truly lasts a long time! (Plus they have customizable fabrics)

 

3. Baby Monitor: Obviously a must have! I have been without mine for a week, because little man dropped it and I’ve been waiting for the new shipment more impatiently than anything I’ve ever waited for! Video monitors are incredible for the first time worried momma. How many years can I use it for without it being weird that I watch him sleep??

4. Nose Frida – “The Snot Sucker”: So everyone knows about the blue bulb which has been given to mom and dad in the hospital for decades. Well without getting too descriptive – how do you clean that thing? What does it truly look like inside? How far are you supposed to go up in the nose? Are you affecting the baby’s nose membranes at all? You’ll never know…Born is the Nose Frida. The perfectly sanitary, non-invasive snot sucker that works like a lucky charm every time. For those of you who may gag thinking of sucking snot from your child’s nose…get over it! Obviously there is a filter to block it from ever going into your mouth (it’s actually impossible if you look at how it is built). Plus, Lord knows you’ve done much more disgusting things…like when your baby boy pees in your mouth by accident or explosive diaper changing…TRY IT…I swear you’ll thank me.

5. Diaper Bag: Great gift for mommy AND baby again. Mom, you will use the heck out of this! Get one that is practical of course, but fashion never hurts either. Remember YOU are carrying it, not the baby. So choose the colors you like. Daddy might carry it from time to time, but let’s be serious you’ll most likely be with him! I love the ones with the stroller attachment arms…amazing when your out and about; those suckers get heavy with all the Mary Poppins stuff you put inside.

Bonus Note: For those hands on daddies, we do carry diaper bags for dudes too! They are backpacks fully equipped with changing pads, cooler pockets, etc. Available in grey camo or black. We also carry a line called Stork Sak in-store for mommies…if you see one online you like, we sell it for 20% under retail to you!

6. Amber Teething Necklace/Bracelet: So no, the baby doesn’t come out of the womb teething, though I have heard of some babies having their first teeth within a couple of months…so why not be prepared? Amber is the new craze for all teething tots. The salic acid helps to boost the immune system and ease the pain of teething. Let’s just say, beyond the fashion statement, I can tell when Cooper doesn’t have his on!

7. Bloom Bath Tub: This was one of my favorite gifts from my shower. I hadn’t seen them at the time, but they are now wildly popular and sold in many large retailers and also boutique stores. They allow for easy access in any sink, true comfort for baby, and so sanitary opposed to laying them on the actual sink surface and trying to hold them sturdy.

8. 4Moms RockaRoo/MamaRoo Swing: This space-age looking device is a God-send. There are so many settings and options on this thing, you’d think you’d never use. But baby ALWAYS gives you a reason to try any and everything. It maximizes motion sensation for baby on so many levels and it’s easy to wash.It also has an MP3 player attachment, which may be over the top, but hey…it’s an option, right?

9. Nursing Bras and/or tanks: This is one of the items I mentioned that no one registers for, but everyone should! This is the number one used product by both mommy AND baby postpartum. We do FREE bra-fittings and sizing throughout your pregnancy, as well as once your milk comes in. Don’t go spend money on a Victoria Secret bra when you are 6 months pregnant; you’ll never be able to wear it again. Get a nursing bra and utilize its benefits. (Side note: We carry up to size M in bras, so don’t fret.)

Bonus Note: Breast Pump! Did you know now a-days almost all insurances cover your breast pumps at 100%? Be sure to call your insurance and find out! They will either reimburse you for your purchase or they send you one of their brands for FREE.

10. Post Partum Belly Belt: These are awesome for helping your stomach re-gain muscle control after delivery, both with C-sections or vaginal deliveries. My favorite brand is the Medela, because of the sleek material it is made of, you are able to wear it under anything and hardly notice it is there. I swear it’s the main reason I was able to pull off a bikini a few weeks after the baby was born. And YES, it is OK to ask for something for yourself :).

Well, I hope you learned about some additional items to add to your registry or perhaps a great gift you can buy an expectant mommy. This list is obviously only my top 10 picks, there are surely many more suggestions. If you are interested or simply feel overwhelmed, we do offer a registry service where the expert – Brenda, my mom and baby-guru – will meet you at Babies “R” Us to help guide you through the experience.

Regardless, keep in mind that you and baby are literally one for the first few weeks. What’s yours is theirs and what’s theirs is yours, so it’s OK to be practical when registering. People will always manage to add in the “cute” stuff, but the essentials are what you NEED.

FYI: We currently have an in-store manual registry, but before long it will all be online and you can go scan-happy here too!

 What are some of registry must haves you’d recommend to new moms? What was your favorite gift you received as a new mom?

5 Ways You Know You’re a REAL Housewife

Tonight at dinner I looked down at my plate to see only crumbs left. I have no idea if I actually ate the food in front of me, let alone enjoyed it, but it was gone. The last 30 minutes consisted of crying babies, barking and fighting dogs, football blaring too loud on the television, men laughing, women reprimanding and kids trying to be heard while telling their dinner stories to one another.

Rewind and let me set the scene…

My family has long been getting together for Sunday dinners. Over the course of the past few years, the family has grown from my three siblings and parents, to now spouses, children, great grandparents and aunts and uncles who are now neighbors. Imagine 11 adults, two kids, two babies and five dogs in one house. (The same house the original three grew up in). Now fast forward to dinner time; everyone brings their own side (aka women cook it there), grill is going, men are drinking beer, playing corn hole, attempting to monitor the children and dogs (who are puppies and not used to all being in one household). Then dinner is served, babies are whining over wanting adult forks and not wanting to eat their green beans. The older kids are asking if they’ve eaten enough or can they have more to drink. The men are laughing and watching football in the other room completely oblivious, while the dogs attack one another beneath the women’s feet who are also trying to get the babies tame enough to enjoy our own meal. Have you taken a breath yet? I finally did when I looked down at my plate…cue the first paragraph all over again.

Now THIS is what I call “the REAL housewives” (as opposed to the Bravo TV shows).

We’ve all seen the reality shows. All the women glammed up first thing in the morning, enjoying espresso, getting their nails done and going to high-end restaurants for wine and appetizers with their friends. I’ve had days like that in Richmond with my girls, where we would joke about being “real housewives for the day”. Shopping at the outdoor malls and spending money we probably shouldn’t have. And while I am a firm believer in girl time, my perspective on girl-time, let alone TIME in general is a little different. Before, when having these glam-days, I was only asking one questions; “Who’s driving? Can I have another glass of wine?”. Now it’s about what Cooper is doing each hour I am gone and if I’ll be back in time for bedtime to kiss him goodnight. So the question that lingers about these so-called “housewives”, is where and what are their kids doing exactly? Are they even playing a role in their children’s lives?

They may consider themselves “Real”, but there is nothing more real than those 30 minutes at dinner tonight. I know you have all been there, one way or another, and while it’s ok to have your fantasizing days of being one of those women, it’s ok to let reality be reality.

5 Reasons I know I’m a REAL housewife:

1. I haven’t showered today. I’m wearing a hat and the same jean shorts that I wore yesterday, because they are the only ones that feel comfortable with this growing 28-week belly. Those women wouldn’t be caught dead even going to the gym without a shower and make-up, let alone wearing something that they’ve worn in the last 30 days!
2. I ate more calories than I drank today. Don’t get me wrong; when I’m not pregnant, I love a glass of wine. But I swear from the time they wake up to the time they go to sleep they are consuming some sort of “beverage”. And there is no way their scone at breakfast and their salad at lunch has kept them full all day to only eat a salad again for dinner!
3. My nails are too short to even attempt a fake manicure. Between wrestling with my little man, bathing and lotioning him, changing his diaper or getting boogies from his nose, nails aren’t an option. My toes are painted, because a pedicure is my guilty pleasure when mommy has free time. (Slightly “real housewife” of me, I know).
4. I only see my girlfriends on occasion. We work, we have kids and we have families of our own. Getting together is a luxury. Believe me, this is one area of the “real housewife” life I am envious of. I would LOVE to see my girls more often, but reality is we’re busy, but I know they love me and we always pick up where we left off.
5. I have a baby who whines for his momma. I don’t know what their kids whine about…but I know mine whines because he wants ME, not a nanny who he spends more time with.

Regardless what those women are doing. I know the six women who were sitting at the dinner table tonight are all moms who have either raised their children and they are grown or are taking it a day at a time raising theirs currently. Regardless, they are there. And despite the chaos, they start and finish their days maybe not looking like a million bucks, but their kids surely feel in their heart that they are loved a million times over. So when life is chaotic and you don’t have a minute to even feel the minutes that go by, look at your surroundings and know that you’re doing all right. And THIS is what real housewives live like on a daily basis, not the other way around. What makes you a real housewife? What can you relate to or what do you struggle with?

Work, Baby and Balance: How We Can Have it All

I think girls always visualize what their life will be like once they have kids. [And I say “girls” not as a way to belittle women, but that I believe most of these daydreams come when you are young, prior to really knowing what having these fictitious children would actually be like; similar to journaling about your “dream guy”.] You have names picked out that you like, how many girls, how many boys you want, what their age differences will be. You imagine how you will raise them and what their little personalities may be like. Some of this even happens before you have found that perfect mate to raise those children with. I even think girls know, based on their own personal experiences with their mothers or perhaps their passion for their individual careers, on whether or not they will be a working mom or a stay at home mom. I always hoped I’d be able to stay at home with my children…but usually reality comes into play. Those names I had picked out weren’t even on my list of top 10. The number of kids I want vs. wanted has changed. And I don’t really care the order. I still imagine how I will raise them, but with each new parenting challenge comes a new method to simply do the best you can, opposed to some step-by-step book you may have read.

As I watch my Facebook feed swarm with teachers heading back to school, it makes you realize how many of those women are choosing to work vs. having to work vs. wanting to work. When I was expecting Cooper, I had this vision of how my day-to-day life would run in conjunction with being a “working mom” and running a business I was passionate about. I thought he would come to work with me as an infant, have a crib in the back office, wear him around while I helped customers and did my daily tasks. I also told my partner (mom) and employees that I would be back from maternity leave between 4-6 weeks. Well, my mom, being right as usual, and knowing from past experience, knew that wouldn’t be the case on many of those fronts. Cooper arrived and with that came sleepless nights, exhaustion, continuous feeding schedules and full attention. My four weeks turned to eight and then turned to 12 and I knew, simply from our daily routine at home, that bringing him to work would be next to impossible. I know my situation is a little different from most…at least I had the option of bringing him to work. But the reality, once again, is the same as any working mom. We’d get nothing accomplished in between feeding, changing, entertaining, shushing, feeding some more, etc.

Around 11 weeks when it was time to face the fact that I wouldn’t be his everything day in and out, I started getting anxious, as I imagine most of you have experienced. Is it even possible for someone to take care of him like I do when he’s still so small? My mom and mother-in-law of all people were going to have him, but I still was a nervous wreck. And the punch line, in which most of you working moms may hate me for, is it was only for five hours! Regardless, it seemed like eons before those hours passed that first week, but I remember seeing him after work each day and knowing it would get a little easier and our relationship would be better in the long run because of it. Now, I still hate leaving him some days, but the smile on his face and the refreshing attitude I have towards being a mommy after just a few hours away from him, are totally worth it. My sense of identity is regained when I am at the store, even though a majority of my conversations are about Cooper, I still get to feel like me. Now don’t get me wrong, days where it’s just me and him all day, I feel more like “me” than I can even express, because my self-definition now encompasses being a mother and I wouldn’t have it any other way. However, this concept of “self-definition” is something I have struggled with since becoming a mom.

I wouldn’t say you lose your sense of self, but I do think with your loss of independence you redirect your self-reflection and what time you used to spend on internal growth, is now directed towards your little one. They have your full attention, your full energy, brainpower and heart, so when at the end of the day, the need for a little “me” time is completely understandable. I know many stay-at-home moms and I’m sure you’ve seen your fair share of quotes and videos on them too, but I truly respect the fact that their jobs are more difficult than ours. Their “me” time fizzles down to a shower (if they’re lucky), while us working moms get to have a 15 minute drive to work, our hours there (regardless of how busy or how much brain capacity it may take), and our regroup transformation back into our superman outfits for mommy hood the remaining of the evening. My sense of self is more apparent now than it ever was, because I have to make time for me. Where before kids, my time was always mine.

In the midst of the past few paragraphs you quickly notice a lot of “me’s”, “I’s” and “Cooper’s”, but there is one key element to this life that is missing…”Gary”. Our neighbor kept telling us when I was pregnant the first time to always put each other before our children. It sounded ludicrous because your children rely on you solely, while we are adults and can manage, but my perspective on the matter has fully changed. Between being a working mom, a superhero mom, and ME, the concept of US sounds impossible, and if I’m being totally honest; exhausting. At the end of the day, despite us just spending the last two hours together over dinner, bath time, play time, bed time, we finally meet at the sinks brushing our teeth. It’s like “Hey, how are you?”. I want to put him first, I need to put him first, and we’ve made efforts to do weekly date nights, which have truly been a saving grace. But as much as I hail to the stay-at-home mother’s, I hail too to the working father. He’s gone before the sunrises and comes back after the sun has set. He’s exhausted and I can only imagine that his “sense of self” is drained. But here I am, occasionally wanting to pass Coop off, because I’ve been with him the past few hours, forgetting to take into consideration he needs “me” time too. Despite his exhaustion there is one thing that will always reignite his fuel. I see him light up and Cooper light up at the sight of each other and my “me” time has been satisfied. THEY are ME. I AM THEM. My sense of self is wrapped up in these two beings. (Soon to be three!) And while I enjoy my job thoroughly and I always appreciate a good pedicure by myself or a long shower at the end of the day, I’d much rather be watching them together than alone.

So my words of comfort are: 

To the working mom – Keep it up. And remember your little one can’t wait for you to get home to play. They appreciate you and see your dedication, but don’t forget your Superman suit on the drive home, because they DO need your attention.

To the stay at home mom (or dad) – Your job is harder than all of us. Find time for your “sense of self” so that you always have the energy to give all of yourself.

To the working dad – We love you and appreciate you, even if we sometimes forget to tell you. Thank you for supporting us.

To the married couple raising your children fearlessly – Love each other just as fearlessly and take time out for “US” time.

The Silent Parenting Struggle: From Heartbreak to Hope

These past few weeks I have been inspired by many different moms and it’s time I finally open up about a parenting struggle that I have been silent about. As a mom this topic hits me close to home every time I talk about it and I am sure, regardless of how similar or different your own circumstances are, whenever something deals with your own “baby” (be it an infant or your 20 year old); your heart is struck emotionally. Motherly instincts have a funny way of taking over your senses. To protect, comfort, defend or restore; moms are here to make it all better, no matter if the fixing is in our hands or not.

I’ve realized remaining silent in the matter helps no one, but I also know I am someone who copes with things internally before being able to release my emotion. My time to internally reflect is over, so today I am here to break my silence and share a struggle I’ve been dealing with as a mom.

My First True Parenting Struggle

Every child has a different story. Whether they were an easy infant or they gave you a run for your money, there are always trials and tribulations in parenting. My first true parenting trial came around Cooper’s 3-4 month mark. My hubby and I had noticed the back of Cooper’s head was a bit flat. We inquired about it at his 6 month doctor appointment when we noticed there was still no change. Our pediatrician gave us her own personal opinion in the matter while also giving us the medical advice we needed on the topic of plagiocephaly, also known as flat head syndrome. We decided to trust our instincts and meet with Children’s Hospital of the King’s Daughters (CHKD) to see if there was anything major happening or if there was more we could do. Of course at this point in the process, I was a nervous wreck. I felt guilty because I know some children have seen the inside of the CHKD walls more than the walls of their own home by 6 months of age, but it was our first experience and all I could do was try to remain calm. Every possible bad notion was running through my mind. Is it my fault? Could I have prevented this? Is it affecting his brain? Will it get better or worse on its own? What are my options? I can tell you one thing, the internet, though my lifeline for a lot of things, is the LAST place a worried mom should go. It had me up at night for hours or in tears the moment I thought about it. Regardless, I knew I needed to trust in the professionals…

Seeking Further Professional Advice

The doctor at CHKD told us that Cooper’s frontal physical attributes were perfect and then asked, “How many children do you see at the age of 3 or 5 walking around with flat heads?” My immediate thought, was “none”. He smiled happily and said, “You have nothing to worry about, this will fix on its own.” Relieved and so happy I didn’t have to put Cooper through anything major, I left a satisfied mommy, knowing he was still the perfect little man I photographed on a daily basis. Daddy on the other hand still had concerns. Months went by and at this point, he was sitting up all the time during the day, so no real pressure was ever put on his head. However, he exclusively slept on his back; arms spread wide. At his 9 month appointment, the pediatrician inquired about our decision and findings and was satisfied with our decision, though we knew there had not been any change in his head’s development. The difference was, his hair had grown in, so it really wasn’t noticeable unless his head was wet…

It Takes Two: Daddy to the Rescue

Daddy, remaining the skeptic and wanting only the best for Cooper, continued to do his own research on other options. At this point, with his soft spot closing at a much faster speed, a helmet seemed like the only option. That’s right…a helmet. You know the feeling when your heart drops in your stomach and you can’t seem to gather words, well that was my continual state for about a week when deciding if this was our only course of action. We went to the helmet specialist in Norfolk, VA and while Cooper’s measurements were not horrible and this doctor was also happy to see no facial misalignments, the end result was still to go with the helmet.

Feeling Like You Failed as a Mom

I felt like a failure. I felt like I had let Cooper down as a mom. I felt like everyone on the outside was going to judge me and judge him. I didn’t want people to see him differently or treat him differently. I didn’t want him to spend his summer sweating, when he’s already hot natured. I didn’t want to take him to the grocery store or Target in fear of the looks we would get. I couldn’t handle the fact that my little cuddle bug would no longer be able to cuddle with me out of discomfort or irritability. I cried knowing I wouldn’t be able to rock him to sleep, cheek to cheek at night, because this device would prevent us from touching. I tear up even now thinking about it…

Helmet Therapy and Reservations

Let me give you a bit more background on the helmet before finishing our story. Helmet therapy is a cosmetic process and device, not a medical device. Doctors have not pinpointed it as the only option; however they do see it as an option. Most insurance companies do not cover it (though thankfully ours did!). And studies have shown that by the age of 5 the child who wore the helmet vs the child who didn’t, with the same beginning measurements, ended up with the same results. So of course you can see my hesitation from the get go. However, my husband always puts me at ease by putting things in perspective. He broke out a scenario…Cooper’s 8 years old and he’s at a pool party and his friends are joking him because of his head being flat in the back. He of course doesn’t show signs to his friends that they’ve hurt his feelings, because that’s just how his head is. But later comes home and asks mommy and daddy “Why is my head flat?” As parents, as protectors and providers, it is our responsibility to give our kiddos the best options, the best case scenarios, the most that we can give to help them succeed. Sure, he’d succeed whether he had a flat head or not. But don’t kids these days already have enough pressures and problems to face than something that we could have potentially prevented? My answer, YES.

Making Our Decision

So, we got the helmet. 21 hours a day he wore it. YES 21!!!!! He had it off first thing in the morning for a little break, after nap, and again for evening bath time. You know I was snuggling and kissing and holding my baby every minute of those 3 hours that I possibly could. His diagnosis was only to wear the helmet for 4-6 months, considering he got the helmet on later than they would have initially hoped (main skull structure development happens between 4-9 months), his soft spot would close around 18-24 months and at that point, it would not be useful. So we did our parental duties and I learned to get over what people thought. I learned quickly that it didn’t affect him nearly as much as it affected me. That his personality didn’t change because of it. And the other little kids treated him just the same, if not even more gently, than they did before. One of the best things about getting the helmet, similar to getting colored braces or casts, we were able to get our helmet wrapped like a car vehicle. It made it look less medical and more like an accessory. It made him smile when he saw it and that helped mommy and daddy a lot!

Every Step Counts: Protecting Your Child and Growing as a Parent

In addition to the 21 hours a week, we started taking Cooper to a chiropractic specialist in Portsmouth who we had been referred to us by a friend of a friend who had dealt with a similar situation with her own child. The chiropractor specializes in the sutures and development of the skull…she has helped significantly too. So 21 hours a day, plus three trips a week to Portsmouth…let’s just say at the six week rescan, momma was a happy camper knowing there had been progress! Not only visibly, but physically, we are making moves in the right direction.

We still have 2 more weeks until his next rescan and he is only wearing the helmet at night now. But I am happy to say…I fear none of those previous concerns anymore. I am not concerned about what others think if they see him in it. I am proud of our decision and my ability to overcome what seemed at the time to be impossible. And my little cuddle bug, is still mommy’s sweet boy. All the while, his head is getting better! I will be more weary with baby #2 and I will take the “Back to Sleep Movement” for SIDS with a grain of salt and if she hates tummy time, I’m going to listen to the cries a bit longer before giving in and turning her over.

My Hope for Every Mother

My hope for sharing this is that we give other moms a break. That we don’t judge before knowing the circumstances. That we lend an ear when they need to talk and a shoulder when they need to cry. That we offer our advice and support when we can and remember that this parenting thing doesn’t come easy and it surely takes a village. I hope in some way I was able to ease your worries about something, anything you may be dealing with as a mom. And know, at the end of the day, what matters most is that we are doing the best we can!

How have you handled tough situations or concerns with your child? What tips do you have to support other moms going through a tough time?

 

 

The Art of Distraction

I’ve grown up around kids my entire life due to my mom having an in-home daycare. Imagine 12 little ones ranging from infant to five years of age in your home from the time you wake up to the time you come home from school and eat dinner. I was always drawn to them. Of course the different ages all have fun, unique qualities that attracted me to them; be it sweet cuddly babies, to rambunctious waddlers, to talkative toddlers, and know-it-all preschool aged kiddos. Regardless, I always thought I was born into the perfect scenario to be super-mom later in life. From tricks to help soothe the little one, to methods for teaching letters and colors, and songs and games of every sort to keep them entertained…I know you can feel a ‘but’ coming on…

BUT, the world of parenthood is drastically different than “babysitting” for the brief hour or two I would sit and play. My mom is by far way more than a “babysitter” and it isn’t until you become a parent or the parents have been a part of her daycare for a while that they realize what that means. She’s a true baby whisperer and it is due to her that hundreds of kiddos have entered kindergarten knowing how to soothe themselves, take two hour naps, eat all their veggies, write their name, sing their alphabet, write their letters, and consistently maintain their manners. Though I am only in the early stages of this parenting thing, I have surely learned one technique on my own. This one technique in which my mom knew all along, but never thought of it as a technique at all…just common sense: The Art of Distraction.

So let me lay it out for you. This mechanism doesn’t really come into effect until after about three months. Prior to this time frame it is all about soothing and comforting the baby when they are looking for their fundamental needs (aka clean diaper, to be fed, to be cuddled, or to sleep). Once three months hits and they are more alert and aware, ready to play and explore the world, it is all about distraction. There are many ways to divert their attention to get the desired end result of happiness. Case in Point: baby cried = new toy, new laying position, new sound, new bottle, new song, new food/milk, new diaper, new activity, new environment. Whatever it is, if you can manage to help them forget their woe by giving them something new, they become satisfied. As time progresses and our little ones are able to develop a bit of a longer attention span, though we know this span still isn’t what we’d hope, these distractions may become a bit larger than a toy or a song, however, the key concept is still the same.

As parents, we go through every day with the hope and effort of giving our kids true and abundant happiness. The less tears, the easier the day, the “happier” the baby. Now, a key element to all of this, is bonding. Don’t get me wrong, there are moments when I HAVE to clean or I HAVE to bathe myself, where he has to occupy his time, and a new toy or new show is exactly what will give me that 5-10 minutes of freedom, but don’t let me fool you that my go to art of distraction tool is always a hug, kiss and cuddle. Of course, I know the importance of self-soothing too, but I’m not referring to him taking a little tumble and crying, I’m talking about the times when they become irritable, uninterested and needy. But really at the end of the day, my goal is to put a satisfied and loved baby to sleep, knowing he gets to wake up the next day, and I get to start all over making him happy.

I am not, and by no means will I ever achieve “super-mom” status. I’m not even really sure what that is. But I want to applaud each and every mom for their day-to-day routine. It’s tiring as much as it is rewarding, but know you have at least accomplished two things: the ability to make your baby happy and the art of distraction. And to me, with that, you have succeeded.

A few of Cooper’s favorite distractions include:

• Playing in Mommy and Daddy’s cars.
• Apples and watermelon keep him occupied for a good 30 minutes.
• Anything having to do with water!
• He loves playing with his Babiator sunglasses from the store! They have a year warranty if they break, so to me, he can play with them all he wants!
• The Pellos we have in the store are great from infancy up to five and six years old. Shoot my eight year old niece loves laying in it and watching a movie! 

What is your go to distraction tool when your little one isn’t satisfied? New exciting tips always welcome!

Vitamin D – Time for ME!

The first few days are a blur. The first few weeks are bliss…AND a blur. There is nothing more precious than the hours spent getting to know your little one. I’ve never stared at one thing for so long without getting bored with it. (7 months later and I could still stare at him for hours doing whatever it is he’s doing.) They are truly a miracle. With all of the miraculousness there are the moments of unexpected, overwhelming emotion. The moments when they’re crying and you aren’t sure why. Or they’re wanting to eat AGAIN and it’s 2am and your husband is sound asleep snoring like a baby next to you. Or when the explosive breastfed diaper is ready to be changed and changed…and changed. Or perhaps when all of your single friends are headed to the beach for an endless day in the sun and you can’t bare to think of a bikini, let alone taking your little one out for more than 15 minutes in the heat. Regardless of the moment, it will happen. I’m not saying there is one true remedy, but I want all of you to know it exists and IT IS OK, but most importantly it will pass.

Postpartum is a tough subject because no new mother wants to admit that she can’t handle it or that she isn’t to the moon with joy at the very same time. Remember all of those oxymorons I mentioned about motherhood (in an earlier post), this is one of them. I wouldn’t say I experienced postpartum like the text-book describes it, but perhaps the more loosely used term “baby blues”. Let me give you the back story: My amazing husband, for those of you who don’t know, owns his own HV/AC company (heating and cooling) and when you have a baby during the midst of the hottest months of the year, you don’t take into account that everyone’s AC doesn’t magically fix itself. Therefore, mommy duty was full force almost instantly. While Gary was there as often as he could be (and an amazing dad nonetheless), his sometimes 12 hour shifts left me home understanding what military wives, single moms, and many other mothers who do it alone experience 24/7. (To those women: God bless you!) I then allowed him to get his normal nights sleep while I got up with the baby every time, because I felt guilty waking him when he had worked so hard the day before. Which then led to my getting no actual sleep.

Most women, I believe, were made to be mothers. We can do it all, all the time. Without women, men wouldn’t know that they even had a head atop their shoulders (sorry babe, but it’s true). However, in the midst of “doing it all” I had a moment. A moment where instead of being “MOM”, I needed MY mom.

Thankfully, her house is only about 20 houses down from me and she was there with the daycare kids accepting me and Coop with open arms. Like always, I put on my brave face, got dressed, dressed my little stud muffin in his swim trunks and hat and strolled down looking as proud and feeling as blessed as ever. (See, oxymoron in full effect!) I got there, passed him to her loving care, and headed straight for the pool. I jumped in, swam under water to the other side and by the time I surfaced I had tears rolling down my cheeks. I couldn’t explain it, I didn’t even know what one thing would make it better. I wanted to hold Cooper and kiss him and love him and tell God again and again how thankful I was, but I needed this time, even if it only lasted for a few minutes, for me. As the tears flowed, I climbed aboard a raft, and within moments passed out…for those of you who haven’t caught on…the root of the problem = exhaustion! It is not normal or suggested for any human being to sleep in cycles of 1 hour, for a total of less than 6 hours in a 24 hour period. I woke up after I felt my milk machines overly engorged and ready for baby. Opening my eyes to the bright sun, I felt entirely rejuvenated and couldn’t wait to end “me” time and rejoin little Coop. (Come to find out my eternal nap was only 40 minutes! But 40 minutes of uninterrupted sleep is bliss in those early days.) Reuniting with him was bliss, my positive oxymoron was back in full force. From then on out, I took advantage of my moms help. I also learned that Coop loves the Vitamin D too!

The point of my rant is:

1. IT IS OK to feel not 110%. Our bodies have just gone through major trauma, our hormones are all out of whack and we are exhausted. Your baby doesn’t feel less loved and no one thinks you love them less.

2. ASK FOR HELP or accept when others offer to let you rest while they sit with the baby.

3. Your husband will survive if he has to wake up once or twice with the baby. USE him.

4. SHARE your feelings with another mom. Just letting it out will help you feel better.

5. TAKE YOU TIME (even if it is for JUST 40 minutes)!

Best of luck to all of you mommies. If you need someone to chat with or a place to get out of the house and relax, come visit us at the store, we love meeting all the new babies! And remember if these types of feelings do persist, reach out to your physician. There are so many people willing to help and ways to get back on a stable mindset for you and your baby’s health.